PPD Doesn't Define Me

The weight of motherhood is sometimes too much. You fight back tears on a daily basis. You know as soon as your foot touches the floor in the morning, you are no longer you. You are a shell. A heavy shell. You keep moving because you have to. You feed your baby because you have to. You fight off the lies that creep in your head. Thoughts that endanger your love for your child. Regret, resentment, anxiety, fear, self doubt, annoyance, and even disgust. You keep moving because you have to. Baby cries again, but you can’t muster up enough strength to sooth your crying babe. Guilt kicks in. Loneliness follows. Nobody understands what you are going through. When you get enough energy to go out, people don’t see you. They see the baby. You smile… they don’t see you. They ask questions and you answer honestly, “It’s kinda terrible.” “She doesn’t sleep.” “She wakes up 7-11 times every night.” Or maybe your thoughts are not for their ears. They can’t know you had a terrible thought about smothering your crying babe with a pillow. You do love your children. You do know how blessed you are. But, they can’t know you want to go back to the time before your babe was conceived. They can’t know you had thoughts about being okay if babe didn’t wake up from SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). So you smile and say, “It’s okay. We’re okay.” Postpartum Depression does not define you. Those thoughts are not yours. Speak to a professional. There is help, there is hope.